Dynasty Fans: Take a Bow

I have fallen out of love with professional sports. Yesterday I sat 5th row center court for the Wolves-Lakers game at Staples. Movie stars, rap stars and models abound. How silly I was to be excited about the game, to be excited about a ball game. The row behind us, and in front of us talked exclusively about celebrities that they would spot in the crowd. When I yelled to Phil Jackson that I didn't know where his witch hunt against Kobe was, after a Wolves foul was called in the 4th quarter, people rows away literally said, "What?!"
"The NBA's Vendetta."

It's with this in mind that today I pay homage to the passing of professional sports, and the rise of the ever-present Dynasty Teams. The list goes as follows, in descending order of "greatness":

1. New York Yankees
2. Los Angeles Lakers
3. New York Knicks
4. Boston Red Sox
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. USC Trojans (football only)
7. Miami Heat
8. New York Giants

These are the teams whose fans go to the game to show off their jeans. They have fans that don't know their own team's record, or who John Stockton is. They don't live and never lived in or near the city that the team's stadium is in. They go to games because it's a sign of power to sit close to the court, near Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson. They all love Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant because they're good looking. They never lose arguments about their team's inferiority because they don't know what the assist/turnover ratio is. They all think that the 2004 Pistons cheated and that the referees are on a vendetta against the game's best offensive player; both because the NBA wants to stop a rapist from being the best player. They don't know why their best player didn't get fouled just now.

Wolves Beat KCAL9 (LA) Commentators in 2-OT Bore

Last night was like a bag of day-old bagels (which I'm eating as I write this); one minute you're eating rock bread coated in coagulated sugar, and the next you're chewing the soft deliciousness of a plain or sesame seed. At some point I stoped caring as much, since I know I would have gone into cardiac arrest many times this season if I always cared as much as KG does. How to describe last night's game? I just don't know anymore. At the end of regulation I was angry and fed up enough with the Wolves, the NBA and the Refs that out of spite, I decided I wouldn't feel happy if we won. That obviously changed, but last night, just like Sunday (in 2OT with Boston), must have aged my heart by about 10 months. By my calculation that makes me about 26 (instead of 22) because of all the 2OT's we've played this season, and that's not even counting last season's torment.

We really played shit basketball for the first 3 1/2 quarters--relying exclusively on jumpshots and breaking down defensively like it was our gameplan. All I could do is writhe in pain in the fetal position on my couch. I had thought about going to a bar here in LA to make fun of Lakers fans, but I was far too emotional to be in public last night.

Sidebar: Lakers KCAL9 TV commentators are the most biased in sports. Quit the antagonizing comments and the referee bitching, save that for your players. Oh, and quit living fucking VICARIOUSLY through Kobe.

Sidebar #2: Kobe, I've tried to like you, but it's hard for me when you bitch to the refs non-stop. Just because you fell down DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE FOULED.

Daily moment of Jaric:
With less than 8 seconds left in regulation Jaric blocks a granny shot from Kwame Brown right into a teammate's hands. On the ensuing in-bounds, he passes the ball directly to Smush Parker, who is immediately fouled to the free-throw line.

I guess what I feel is the most important thing to come away with from last night's game is how bad the Lakers are. They are a poor reconception of early Phil Jackson-Bulls teams, but younger, and obviously crappier. Odom being out with injury shortens the Lakers Players-Good-Enough-to-Play-in-OT rotation from 2, to 1. At some point the game's best offensive player just can't do all your scoring, and that point seems to come at about the 49 minute mark.

Kevin McHale is Sports' top GM according to Forbes:
Click here

Are you a KG fan or a T'Wolves fan?

For some reason it wasn't until yesterday that I thought of those two things as separate parts. Probably because of Garnett's undying loyalty, and his repeated demand for moves to be made around him, not for him to be the piece moved (an article on CBS Sportsline captures this well: http://cbs.sportsline.com/nba/story/10028471). Maybe it took a backhanded slap from the Mavericks at home to bring me to this boiling point, or maybe it was 29.6% shooting from the field. Then again it was probably the play of Yugoslavian-all-star Marko (heretofore: YASM). Who knows? at this point there is so much poison in the water that we'll never know who really pissed in it first. McFail probably forgot to wash his hands though.

I think this question is similar to the kinds you should have been hearing in Philadelphia this year, or in New Jersey just before the trade dealine came. Are you a 76'ers fan or an Allen Iverson one? A Nets fan, or a Carter-Kidd one? In Philadelphia it's easy for me to say; I loved the 2001 Sixers, but not as much as vintage A.I. Who's a fan in Philly anymore? Newer and younger A.I. (Andre Iguodala) is athletic and fun to watch, but come on, that team is crap. The thought of post-KG Minnesota is painfully disparaging, and unfortunately similar to post-AI Philadelphia, similar to post-Saddam Iraq. Minny and Philly ironically could have helped eachother out this year if only McHale hadn't already given away our draft picks and Cassell for the YASM. There is no doubt now as to which direction we're heading, and which team we're seeking to emulate, and it's this that has pushed me into this radical and introspective territory.

With post-season hopes dwindling, and no clear end in sight to Miss Minny Misery (heretofore: 3M), I guess I'm a KG fan; because for the first time in my sports-mature life, I want what I believe is best for KG, not what is best for my team. What's best for Ticket is obviously to get out of Minnesota, to play for a team like the Heat (who seem to attract all the old senile has-beens--not that KG is one of those though), or the Bulls, or even the despised Lakers. I really see those three situations as the only financially reasonable ones likely to yield Finals hopes. Would I become a Lakers fan or a Heat fan then? Maybe, but only because I want to see my boy succeed, not because I want Phil Jackson to further inflate his successes, and not because I want Jason Williams and Antoine Walker to get their second championship rings.

Minnesota, we've reached the end of the line. There's one stop left, 2008, and only because the opt-out can't happen until then. Trust me, there's no reason to be encouraged by 2008, and not really any reason to hope that 2009, '10, or '11 will be any good. I mean how good will a team of overpaid second-rate guards (save Foye and Hassell) and Mark Madsen be down the line? Will Lamar Odom or Antonie Walker really make us a playoff team in the West? Will Jordana Brewster marry me?

Forecast of rain and prolonged darkness, apocalpytic style darkness.